Five annoying things that all footballers do

When they’re not dazzling us with displays of brilliance and wowing us with forty-yard screamers that rifle into the top corner, footballers have some annoying habits. But we’re so used to watching them do it all the time, that we’ve probably just got used to it. Here’s five of the worst.

1.    Blast it upfield, straight from kick off.

Whoever invented this mastermind way of losing possession must have won some sort of award for his contributions to football. Ever see it where the kick-off is taken, passed back to the central midfielder, and he boots it up to the left wing, hoping that 5 foot 5 Jim on the flank is going to bring it down and go on a wonder run? Yeah? That’s cause they do it all the time. This one is a baffler. Why not keep possession and actually try and make something of the game? If you know what the gaffer’s thinking, when 80% of the time, the pass goes out for a throw in, kindly let me in on the secret. Cheers.

2.    Hi-Five everyone on the bench after they’ve been substituted

I’m all for team morale right, but after the lone striker’s been replaced in the 80^th minute after missing a penalty and slicing a sitter over the bar, what’s the need? There’s about thirty players and staff in that dugout, and when the camera pans over to the bonding session off the field of play, I think everyone’s just hoping that the subbed player actually gets round to Dave on the third row back. He’s been sitting with his hand out like a dog for at least thirty seconds.

The size of dug-outs these days means that footballers spend more time
being congratulated for playing than they actually do on the pitch

3.   Kick the ball away after they’ve given away a free kick

Undoubtedly one of the most teeth grinding, knuckle-clenching annoyances that plagues the beautiful game, this one comes in many forms. There’s the ‘hold on to the ball and run back to your own half before dropping it’ version, and of course the ‘throw it to the opposition so they can take a throw in, but just accidentally chuck it eight metres to their right.’ People talk about sportsmanship, but what’s the fun in back-heeling the ball when you run past it, when you jolly well know the centre back is about to take the free kick? It’s so common that it’s just become second nature to most players, as common as lacing up their boots before they go on the pitch. Laughably, that means that they even kick the ball away when their team are 1-0 down in the 85^th minute, forgetting that wasting time isn’t going to help their cause at all. Seriously though, it wastes time. Referees need to stop it.

4.   Lie on the ground when they celebrate

Everyone loves a good goal celebration, but after you’ve done a knee slide or a belly slide, would you just get up off the ground? It’s a bit cringey to watch fellow players jog over to the goalscorer lying prone on the floor, only to bend over and pat them on the back or stand their clapping while they wait for their team-mate to get back to their feet. It’d be alright if the players jumped in for a pile on, but they’re a thing of the past. Players have too much masculinity to protect these days.

Pile-ons: Ancient history

5.   Pick the ball up after they score

Another one that’s all in good taste is the ‘picking the ball up after you’ve scored but your team are behind’ thing. It’s another one that’s become such a habit, that players now do it under ridiculous circumstances. There’s a few things that don’t work with this one. Firstly, picking the ball out of the net ain’t gonna make the game go any quicker, because the opposition team kick off, and they can walk as slow as they want to. Secondly, it’s not the greatest advert for a player’s hardman status when they go to grab the ball and end up getting into a scrap with a 6-foot-5 goalkeeper, who holds the ball above their head so they can’t get it like an annoying uncle. And finally, doing it when your team are 5-1 down in the 90^th minute ain’t gonna change anything either. The game’s over, mate. You’ve lost.